Official ‘Typical Boro’ D-Day Disaster Scenario Predictor

GO ON then…. give me your apocalyptic ‘typical Boro’ D-Day double decider scenario. There’s literally hundreds of possible permutations of calamitous cock-ups, creative chipped shoulder conspiracies and poor innocent victim of the shifting sands of football fate to chose from. Here’s mine:


Boro win. They come from two down to claw level. Barry Robson gets sent off in a first half touchline face-off with football bouncer Sean Dyche – a three game ban means John Terry style he will miss the play-off final if Boro get there – and one time five minute flop John Eustace nets twice… but somehow the ten men battle back before Justin Hoyte scores a “worldie” (a cross drifts in ) and super-sub Kevin Thomson levels (then limps off injured) before Curtis Main cracks in a last minute winner to spark an ecstatic EIO.
Meanwhile, Palace’s game with Cardiff has kicked off late after the mascot eagle escapes from the pre-match hawking display and takes up residence on the roof of the main stand, occasionally swooping to attack cheerleaders, small children and voles.
The game starts belatedly and Palace score from a set-piece and miss a penalty then dig in to defend for 88 minutes. With Boro fans anxiously waiting 15 minutes after the whistle at Vicarage Road and with time running out it looks like we are home and dry and set to slap Fat Sam’s bagpuss jowls around en route to Wembley. Yesssss.
But the Palace game goes agonising into unprecedented stoppage time and on 99 minutes a familiar figure struts clear of his marker on the left to fire a shot that deflects off the ref and bobbles in off the post. Noooooooooooooo.
But remember, other disaster scenarios are available. What’s yours

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42 thoughts on “Official ‘Typical Boro’ D-Day Disaster Scenario Predictor

  1. Nice try.
    How about….
    Cardiff go three up in the first ten minutes and we can all go for a pint by 3:15 to contemplate where and how Mogga can unearth the next Little Fella?
    We blew this a long time ago and, if truth be told, 7th is quite a flattering finishing position.

  2. Boro win 2-0 at Watford and Cardiff get tonked 3-0 at Selhurst Park……
    Boro go on to win the first leg of their play-off semi-final against West Ham United 3-1.
    However at 12:00 on Friday 10th of May, the Football League calls a hurried press conference. At 14:25 Richard Bowker appears on the steps of the Football League Operations Centre in Preston to read the following announcement:
    It has been discovered that Middlesbrough FC had fielded an ineligible player during their play-off match against West Ham United.
    The player involved is Barry Gordon George Robson.
    Due to an incident involving a defective fax machine, his transfer to MLS side Vancouver Whitecaps had gone through prematurely.
    The Football League accepts that Middlesbrough FC had acted in good faith and could not possibly have been aware that they had fielded an ineligible player.
    However in order to protect the integrity of the game, the board has decided that the following actions will be right and fair:
    West Ham United will be given a bye to the Championship play-off final
    Middlesbrough FC will be relegated to League One with an deduction of 10 points.
    They will be replaced in the Championship by Portsmouth FC

  3. Cardiff only draw 0-0 at Palace. Boro really get at Watford (who are down to eight men after 10 minutes) and rattle up a new record score to win 10-0 (after missing a penalty).
    Boro are level on GD but miss out on goals scored after FA rule final fixture scores don’t count under obscure 1896 rule designed to discourage dodgy results in title deciders.

  4. Typical Boro disaster scenario? There are so many to choose from.
    Option 1:
    Boro coast it. 2-0 up at half time through a Robson sign-off 12 yard rifled finish (celebrated 5mins later by squaring up to one of their lot after an innocuous looking challenge and getting his final yellow in the Boro colours).
    Second goal swept in by Emnes after fine work from McMahon down the right.
    Second half, Main comes on, smashes one in and it’s party time for Boro.
    Except, over at Selhurst Park, Cardiff are cruising. Liam Lawrence has bulleted in a header from a corner 23mins in, and lumbering, heavy legged Joe Mason has added a second in first half injury time. Boro are left to rue what might have been, Cardiff comfortably through.
    Option 2:
    Palace Batter Bluebirds! Palace, 3-0 up at half time, the first a cool penalty finish after a cynical last-man challenge from former Boro man Andrew Taylor results in a red card, coast to a 3-0 half time lead. Never in danger, they play out the second half to cheers from their fans as they tiki-taka the ball around the pitch and discover long forgotten ball playing skills.
    Meanwhile, down at Vicarage Road, Boro are 2-0 down within 10mins, due to their usual cagey start, and for all their huffing and puffing, could be playing for 72 hours straight and still wouldn’t score. Cardiff, despite a bottling, horrible performance, are up.
    Option 3:
    Well, option 3 is a simplistic one. Palace are 1-0 up, so are Boro. Both games are entering the last 2mins or normal time. And suddenly there’s a goal. Which way will it go? What will the permutations be for play-off bids? Will it be the blues of Cardiff or the Blacks/Reds of Boro who sink to their knees in agonised dejection?
    The news filters through to the terraces…collective groans in one, a sudden nervous tension in the other, who are on the cusp of clinching their play off place… but who will it be?
    Tune in at the 88th minute to find out…

  5. I think you’re not looking at the BIG disaster scenario — the Forest downfall.
    Boro score 3 at Watford and win comfortably, Cardiff scrape a 0-0 and go into the play-offs, Boro forced to sell off their crown jewels over the summer and start next season as they finished this one, slumping to the bottom six and only escaping at Easter 2013. Now THAT would be a disaster and hopefully one we’ll never see.

  6. Cardiff, having now spent four years perfecting how to bottle their season, will do so again against Palace, limping to a 2-0 loss without ever threatening even a point.
    Meanwhile the Boro will be continuing their blinding away performances against a bright Watford side, taking an early lead, then defending solidly for the next 84 minutes. Watford will rattle the crossbar at least three times, will see a goal ruled out on a dodgy offside call, and will eventually feel rightly aggrieved by their 1-0 defeat.
    So, all bright for the play-offs? Not quite. Emnes’ knee will have finally given in, ruling him out for at least three months. Williams and McDonald will both be on the next flight to Australia to see their favourite injury specialists, Robbo will be suspended, and at least two of Bailey, Haroun or Zemmama will be carrying knocks.
    Into the play-offs, but the team will be down to the bare bones, ready for a tanking off West Ham.

  7. Cardiff lose the plot at Palace and go down 2-1 after taking an early lead.
    Mogga goes for it big time with Hoyte at left back and a midfield of Robson, Bails, Arca, Thommo and Smallwood. Juke does his Didier impersonation up front, Digard not Drogba!
    Trailing 1-0 at halftime so after 81 minutes Mogga throws caution to the wind and takes off Robson for Williams. Throws on Emnes complete with crutches after 89 mins who manages to equalise. Main comes on after 93 minutes and hits the post but we end up drawing 1-1.
    Mogga shrugs his shoulders and says it is what is.
    AV sits at his desk and stares at his personally autographed and framed picture of Mogga then does impersonation of Hitler writing the Blog.

  8. Funny thing, the interweb. Put up the blog using Comodo Dragon as the browser and see the original AV post, but with no responses.
    Send a brief reply and, a minute later receive a message that the link to the page has been lost. Therefore, wondering whether the reply has gone out BEFORE the link was lost, decide to have another look at the blog, but this time (and only a few minutes after the above) using Mozilla Firefox. That shows 9 replies – the most recent timed at 6.02pm.
    Maybe my laptop is also a time machine? I suppose using Internet Explorer there will be 25 replies, and Opera, a further 30. Technology – does anyone think it might catch on?
    **AV writes: I think you get even more if you use an android mobile. The limping system as it stands, like Boro’s season, is held together with gaffer tape and faith. Also like Boro, a radical rebuild is planned for the summer.

  9. And, further madness, after sending the post a minute ago, and being told the message has been sent and held for approval by the blogmeister and therefore one should click *here* to return to the original page, I do so…
    And above me I see there are 7 (SEVEN in teleprinter speak) posts to be read, the most recent being boromadloon at 12.27pm. It really must be a time machine! Click once to go back 6 hours, twice for 9 hours, right click to open the secret cache of Newcastle Utd stories…..

  10. Forever Dormo –
    Time machines have their uses but particle physics and Einstein indicate that ‘time travel’ is only possible over short time frames and certainly not the distance that separates the modern world from a Newcastle United trophy.
    The desktop seems to operate in a diffferent dimension to my lappie for the Gazette site, sometimes it is a whole blog behind so I have to go in on the Donnie thread and then follow the link to small screen part poopers.
    I admit my lappie is getting old but it is used for work and the pain of upgrading is not worth the speed benefits. It has more patches than a fleet of pirates, more cookies than Maryland and more passwords than MI5 and MI6 combined.
    There again having laughed at JP for having a cranberry I have now succumbed to one of those clever phones after 18 years of simple Nokia phones. I hope Jarkko doesnt mind.
    It is very confusing asking Orange about Blackberries and Apples. Then we have Vic talking about Firefoxes and Androids, others talking about Mozilla and Operas.
    Bring back Fortran, log books, slide rules and cork studs.

  11. I liked Geordie La Forge’s take on this. Actually, I could see the FA going further.
    Given that Boro’s intelligible player had injured 4 West Ham players by staring at them too hard, the FA decide it would be unfair for West Ham to have to play any more games, so they will be promoted without the requirement for a play-off final.
    Boro’s deducted 10 points are granted to West Ham for the start of next season, bearing in mind how long it might take West Ham players to psychologically recover from the nasty Mr Robson’s stares.

  12. Well done Vic….
    EXACTLY the scenario I have in mind…except for your closing idea!
    …”and on 99 minutes a familiar figure struts clear of his marker on the left to fire a shot that deflects off the ref and bobbles in off the post.”
    Naaa – somebody else will score in those added minutes…but the only way that ‘familiar figure’ would lose his marker would be to kick over their Zimmer frame first!
    I hate to say it, but I fear that we WILL beat Watford – and Cardiff will scrape by against the Eagles – and we’ll be left with just the post-mortem and the ‘what-ifs’ all summer?
    Whatever – UTB!

  13. Both games kick off on time free of mascot eagle shenanigans. Boro get an early goal and excitement builds as news of a first…! And then second Palace goal ripple through croud at Vicarage Road like winds of hope through a field oh rye.
    Then in the 89th minute Watford, almost apologeticly, score on the break. Boro thrash around like a fish out of water for the remaining few minutes, coming close to pulling back the lead but their dreams of a play off spot, like the stopage time strike, are dashed against the wood work. -fin.

  14. Disaster scenario? Haven’t we already been through that, in that we’ve only won, what is it six games in 22 outings. Is that not enough disaster for anyone?
    Now let me see; if that form had been carried over the whole of the season we would have accurred somewhere in the region of 36-40 points and if Portsmouth hadn’t imploded financially we would be looking at playing Carlisle and Hartlepool next season never mind hoping for a ‘team’ (I use the word advisedly) to turn up on a regular basis instead of just twice a season (Sunderland away & Southampton at home). What’s the problem? Are they not getting enough ruffage in the morning.
    Hopefully they’ll ignore the whole play-off scenario because they don’t deserve to be in the play-offs, and get on with showing the paying public that they actually care about the product they produce game after game instead of simply coming out with the trite excuse that ‘We simply didn’t turn up’.
    Well friend in the big mean world, you don’t ‘turn up’, you don’t get paid. How’s about for all those games you didn’t turn up, you hand your wages back to SG.
    UTB

  15. “super-sub Kevin Thomson levels (then limps off injured)”……absolute class !!!
    Did you know an anagram of Kevin Thomson is “Think moves on”
    UTB

  16. I said :What’s the problem? Are they not getting enough ruffage in the morning?
    Maybe it’s not the ruffage that’s the problem. Maybe there is friction in the dressing room. Maybe we’re talking cliches, a little needle between the clans perhaps.
    Zemmama played seven games all season. Are some porridge eating types swinging their weight around and pushing littler types out of the picture. Goodness, goodness, where’s Mogga when you need him to show a touch of authority?
    Could be all wrong of course or am I?
    Now tell me, who’s got the ‘issues’?
    I said I couldn’t understand what was going on and why when it was all blindingly obvious that we needed to change and adapt to succeed, we didn’t. Perhaps now we are getting an insight into why.
    Player Power Lives on in Boro’s Electric Dynamo of a Dressing Room – Mind the Sparks!
    UTB

  17. Just checked through the results for this season. on only one day this season have Boro won and cardiff lost, that was the day we beat them 3-2.
    Any optimism I had has just been drained away.

  18. Spartakboro –
    Who knows if there are problems in the dressing room but I dont think we can blame Zemmamas problems on that.
    We bought him injured after a spell of not playing through injury north of the wall. Injured he came, injured he stayed. If you shop in the remnants box you get remnants.
    jibberjabber –
    Thats perfect, we win, cardiff lose.

  19. Think the interview with Nicky Bailey on sky sports is interesting. He is quoted as saying that playing in the defensive midfield position “there is not as much running involved as I was used to”
    Now don’t get me wrong I think Nicky Bailey is a good player but I’m worried when one of your central midfielders claims he could be more mobile particularly when you consider the lack of support the midfielders have given the strikers particularly at home. To get out of this league you should be pushing forward as much as possible particularly against teams in the lower half of the table.
    To put things in perspective though it is quite obvious that TM has done a fabulous job getting the results he has away from home but at home we really need to see a different mentality one where the players believe that no matter how many goals the opposition score we will score one more. This will only happen if we play higher up the pitch we set out to attack from the off and our midfield are mobile enough to support our forwards.

  20. Nightmare scenario for me? Boro make play offs.
    I always want Boro to win every game, but want the continued progression next season using players from the academy as I’ve said time and time again. I never again want to buy foreign players at the expense of players such as Cattermole and Morrison.
    I know I won’t be popular having this opinion, but frankly I don’t care.

  21. Wot ho! Ian
    If the remnant continues to score goals like that against Soton, then I’ll be happy with two more. Without that particular goal, at that time, against that team, we would have effectively shut up shop and said categorically ‘Season’s Over’.
    ‘Cometh the hour, cometh the man.’ That is of course, if he’s eaten his porridge first thing.
    UTB

  22. The obvius nightmare scenario? The record breaking Boro boys of TM do it again. A 1-11 away win set a new league away win record for the Boro boys but then Cardiff grab a lucky 1-1 draw at Palace thanks to Andrew Taylor hitting the net from half line with 10 min to play. Boro lose out on goal difference or less goals scored. And finish the creditable 7th.
    Let’s hope we win, though. HalifaxP will be wearing his new lucky socks again at Watford. So we’ll win. But will that be enough to get to the play-offs? Up the Boro!

  23. Oops! I forgot to mention that Emnes, Juke and Scotty scored a hat-trick at Watford, Robbo misses a penna on the added-on time, complains to ref about the goalie and gets sent off. Was that the 4th red card of the season in his last match for the Boro? And we miss out on play-offs because of the missed penalty kick. Up the Boro!

  24. Watford 0 Boro 2
    Palace 1 Cardiff 0
    A late Andrew Taylor o. g. seals it for the lads.
    Ladbrokes hold an enquiry into unusual betting activity, when it is discovered that 10,000 Boro fans have won a total of £5m on the Taylor goal.
    Further police investigation reveals a suspicious parallel with Boro supporters’ coup after Danny Graham’s goal at the Riverside last season.
    The FA deduct Boro 10 points and fine us £100,000k.
    Boro supporters drown their sorrows. The Navi runs out of Bollinger.

  25. The Final whistle blows at Vicarage Road, Boro have just beaten the Hornets 2-0 and Cardiff who are losing 1-0 at Selhurst Park have just been awarded a Penalty in the 4th minute of added time!

  26. It is possible that Nicky Bailey has had such a great season because he has not run around a lot? I remember Cloughie at Forest berating Danny Wilson by yelling at him to stop running about, and one of the great mid-field players, Jan Molby, rarely ventured more that 10 yards either side of the half-way line.
    I always felt that the reason we did not get the best out of Rochembach was that McClaren tried to make him more of an area-to-area work-horse than he was cut out to be. He would have served us better by being encouraged to cover less ground.
    One of the reasons that Mowbray may have been a little impatient with Robson early in the season lay in his tendency to chase the ball, and affect the shape of the side. This is something that Bailey is very conscious of, and one of the most important reasons why he has had such a good season.

  27. Peterborough Angel –
    Mogga has promised the youngsters more opportunites so we can look forward to the likes of Haliday, Reach, Park, Williams L, Gibson erc getting a joint total of four subs appearances between them. Thats a 100% increase on this season.
    Pease pudding –
    You dont need the sheep in lingerie, just tell the taffs beforehand and they will play in wellies. Why do Welsh men marry Welsh women? The sheep cant cook!
    I remember when Muffin the Mule was a TV programme.

  28. The last day of the season is not going to be antwhere near what has already been said.
    We are going to get one months rain in one day. Pitches both waterlogged wait another week. Damp squid really. Don’t worry lads its a holiday over in SA, not much doing.

  29. Nightmare scenario = our complete and utter lack of dignity and self respect.
    45 games ago we embarked on a journey that has lead us to this pathetic scramble.
    Has it really come to this, that we are desperate for others to lose and us to win away on the last game if the season, for what reward?
    The Championship?
    Automatic promotion?
    Safety from relegation?
    No, No and No
    Merely entrance to a four way play off with three other no hopers.
    Really Boro fans. Entrance to the play offs is not something to sing about. It’s like going to a theme park, with your taller (and better looking) older brother. He gets to go on all the exciting rides like Death Drop, Insanity Wave and Pant Filler. Whilst you, the runt if the litter is not tall enough so you get to mess around on the Teacups or the Junior Pirate Ship if you are lucky.
    Then your mum enquires if you had a nice time and reassures that maybe next year you might be tall enough to try the Pant Filler.
    We haven’t and are not good enough. Yet.
    Needless to say should we get to the play off final I may change my mind. But in reality I would rather get knocked out of the play offs now, than at any later stage.
    Up the boro

  30. SpartakBoro –
    I am not questionning the veracity of the comment on the influence of the picts from the wrong side of the wall.
    By the same token our Primark Messi has spent so much time in the treatment room he could be a product of our academy! They are not neccessarily linked but he was not an ever present north of the border either.
    In true Vic fashion, other value brands are available for the analogy. Nor does it diminish the value of his goal which may go down as well as up.

  31. Cardiff lose 3-0, Boro draw 2-2 and Hull City beat West Ham 2-1 and end up 7th bumping Boro down a place 🙂

  32. Congratulations on your promotion to Marriage Guidance Counsellor – “children problems a speciality”. You sounded much more reasonable than you do when writing about football…
    And the family scrubs up nicely, too.
    I would LOVE to read today’s posts above, but the “Murdered Monkey” calls…and a steak, just maybe a thirst quenching pint of ale (or two). “Do you fancy a hunt through the deep freeze for something to cook, or do you want me to get fish+chips? Or would you prefer it if we both went out for a steak or something else at the pub?”
    It’s a hard life keeping the wife happy.
    **AV writes: Promotion? It’s the price of sitting near the family/features desk.

  33. Bring Me The Head Of Keith Lamb
    (FA headquarters, David Bernstein’s office)
    David was jolted out of his seat by the sudden ringing of the big red telephone on his desk, he knew who was on the other end.
    AF: Bernstein! What the %&¤ is going on?
    DB: Sir Alex. What a nice surprise.
    AF: Dinnae gi me that polite rubbish Bernie, why have those Smoggies still got a chance of making the play offs?
    DB: I would hardly call it a chance Sir Alex, I’m sure they will blow it.
    AF: It was bad enough when Robson and McClaren were turning me over at Old Trafford, but they were honorary reds, I’m not having an ex Boro player leading a team out here. I thought they were supposed to be heading to League One?
    DB: Well.. ermmm… yes. Everything was going great, all according to plan. GS 1 played his part and got his cushy number here, and then with a masterstroke KL brought in Strachan to complete the job, paving the way to a nice even cushier number here. It’s all that Steve Gibson’s fault. He doesn’t know when he is beaten and keeps ploughing dosh into the club.
    AF: Well I’ll be watching Gilette Soccer Saturday this afternoon, and if the Smoggies get in the play offs heads will roll. I didn’t set up the premier league for the likes of Middlesbrough to get in, they should know their place!
    DB: Bugger, that’s all I need on a Saturday morning…… Keith!!!!!!!!!!

  34. Forget all of the above dark thoughts, we are due a little luck, perhaps this is the day that we receive it.
    Onwards very hopefully or luckily, I don’t care which.

  35. The team bus gets lost on the way to Watford in the torrential rain and arrives at Vicarage Road with two minutes to spare. The referre cancels the game because Boro are not ready to start the game and the three points are awarded to Watford.
    Cardiff are trounced 12 – 0 but still get through to the play offs where they proceed to lose every game.

  36. Its a crying shame that Gareth Southgate is not still in charge of the Boro as I think that promotion , be it automatically or through the play offs, would have been an inevitable certainty under his leadership.
    Mowbray, though a really nice man, has proven himself to be tactically inept time after time and his lack of tactical nous will surely be the Boro’s undoing in this play off attempt that will be ultimately doomed to failure.

  37. Boro win 1-0, but Cardiff draw 1-1 with an injury time leveller.
    Thankfully, Reading thrash Birmingham 22-0 to hand Boro the final play-off place.
    In the real world I think our season will end today but you never know. As I’ve said before I won’t complain if it does.

  38. Never liked the snobby Premier League anyway. Failed to get into the play-offs on purpose. Didn’t want to pass the test to go up there because most of my friends would be staying in the Championship.

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