SO, back from a few days away on international duty – representing Teesside in the European Hyperbole 2012 Championships qualifiers – and what’s happened? Diddlysquat. Nada. No bust-ups, cock-ups, transfer wrangles, come and get me pleas. Not even an injury. Yet.
Boro scored a gong show double and it never got a mention on Look Geordie, what with the Ticket To Ride marathon hitch-hiker and a Toon icon charity match hogging those precious screen minuts. Mogga was a shoo-in. Ten games unbeaten in a division where everyone else has lost at least two games is a massive achievement that we should be shouting about instead ofchuntering over a couple of tough draws. Matthew Bates deserved his award too: at the heart of a defence that has kept four clean sheets in the month again is a major achievement that should be trumpeted.
Next month let’s hope it is Scotty because that will mean we are rattling in goals again.
Meanwhile, to occupy the next few days – and by popular demand – until the MIllwall game let’s talk about the telly…
No, not X-Factor – that much loved British institution, the sit-com. Yes, the sit-com. Tales of the socially awkward caught in slapstick scenarios carreering toward an inevitable embarrassing finale; odd couples; clashes of class, culture and nationality; mistaken identities; pathos; irony; sublimated sexual tension; underdogs poking fun at pompous authority figures and caricatures of universal hate figures pilloried by proxy. That has Boro written all over it.
Well, according to the Untypical Boro twitterati anyway. Last week, after Dad’s Army creator and sit-com supremo David Croft popped his clogs, no doubt with unintentionally hilarious consequences, as a tribute I threw out a few Boro related script ideas. Others quickly joined in and soon a creative flurry of bite-sized plot pen-pictures were flying around. How we laughed.
Anyway, since then several people – those who only caught a few, or who can’t be bothered to trawl back through the retweets, or who don’t have the time to sit glued to a laptop late into the night – have asked me to collate and repeat them in a handy at a glance format. Always eager to please and quick to spot a way of filling some downtime bandwidth with vaguely Boro related product, here;s the highlights of the script conference.
These first few I have copyrighted. My lawyers are watching.
RISING STAMP: Can parmo loving Boro starlet Phil survive life in a Berwick Hills bedsit and win the battle of the bulge?
PORRIDGE: Banged up in boot camp, the Boro boys get up to pranks while avoiding the killjoy gaze of head warden Mr McStrachan.
VLAD’S ARMY: Slovak full back Kinder joins the TA, lost in translation khaki clad barrack hilarity ensues.
VICKERS OF DIBLEY: Ex-stopper Steve is mistakenly transferred to a rural church and joins a team managed by comedy cleric Dawn French.
TO THE MANNY BORN: Austrian tackling machine Mad Dog inherits stately home and moves in with Penelope Keith. Culture clash hilarity ensues.
SORRY! A side-splitting series of sheepish apologetic arm-raised antics with positionally challenged prankster Curtis Fleming.
MIND YOUR LANGUAGE: Shiny toothed former football boss in inappropriate heavily accented coaching class catchphrase chaos
PALLYMORY: Educational kids own goal fun with the injury prone lanky defender (also starring Archie as the inventor and PC Peake)
LOVE THY NEIGHBOUR: Bickering, insults and over the garden suburban sterotyping fun goes hilariously wrong, starring Bernie Slaven & Keith Lamb
THE THICK OF IT: Whitehall political machinations go awry when Windass, Gazza and Merson are mistakenly hired as government spin doctors.
And here’s the best of the rest….
Only Fuchs And Horses: Uwe and his champion thoroughbreds ride into town to do battle for promotion (@GraemeBandeira)
Friends: Best buds Neil Cox and Fab Ravenelli share a penthouse Grove Hill flat. Cereal-based hilarity ensues. (@ErimusPR)
Birds of a White Feather: Ravanelli and Beck spend their whole time bickering but love each other really (@markdesthompson)
On the Buses: Fun-loving Paul Gascoigne takes a gig with United Buses. Hilarity and bodywork damage ensues (@ErimusPR)
Two and a Half Men: Mido returns for pre-season in his usual shape & tries to play football. Hilarity ensues. (@dave_fender)
Heine-Hi: Dutch midfielder Otto’s post-Boro career winds down with a summer season at Maplin’s Saltburn holiday camp (@mattlegg24)
Uwe Been Framed: Fuchs tries to clear his name after being fitted up for a crime he didn’t commit. Or did he? (@shaun_jepson)
Last of the Summer Whine: Teenage-style tantrums by Yakubu. Series ends abruptly when the show’s star refuses to perform
Only When I Laugh Casualty comedy as stripey PJ’d trio Kevin T, Jason S and Andy H talk tactics from their hospital beds. (@UTB68)
I’m Sorry, I Haven’t a Clue: Jon Gittens and Phil Whelan reminice over hilarious costly defensive calamities. (@SimonBuckton)
The Green Ing: Midfielder and Jesus lookalike nurses the occasional injury in a hospital surrounded by wacky physios (@mcwd)
Two and a Half Mendieta: Gaizka and his son move in with Charlie Sheen. Madness, debauchery and hilarity ensue (@HardcoreTomas)
Mark Viduka’s Dragons’ Den: Millionaires pitch their contract ideas and the occasinal hitman picks the one with most money every week (@you_lying_get)
Family Guy: A hapless Scotsman is puzzled by the lack of married men in the squad, hasty replacements are found, hilarity ensues! (@steviebowerman)
Kinder Surprise.: Vladimir Kinder plays pranks on unsuspecting public (@You_lying_get)
Who’s Line is it Anyway? : Wolfman strays forward again as linesman improvises a raised flag for the 10th time in 45 minutes (@Disco4B)
Some Mothers Do ‘Ave ‘Emerson : Follow the Brazilian’s soulglow adventures in the Bongo and Noforesmby tute (@Capio78)
Rav C Nesbitt: An abrasive alcoholic Fabrizio Ravanelli takes to the streets of Govan in a string vest with a crate of Special Brew (@GaryMartin84)
The League of Gentleman George:: Cultured Former Boro skipper George Hardwick joins the inhabitants of a dark northern community. (@dave_fender)
Mannion About the House.: The Golden Boy spends his days getting under “the wife’s” feet after retirement. (@AndrewHaslam79)
How I met your Mogga : The story about a club’s long search for the right manager. (@havrejesp)
Jan Aage Being Served.: A shortage of supply to the striker department causes difficulties in tonight’s episode. (@pmj174)
Two Pints of Lager And Packet of Crisps: Brazilian international’s half-time snack and pep talk leads to hilarious result (@jrduffers)
Curb Your Enthusiasm: Joe Bennett tries his best to last 90 minutes without a second yellow card (@M_Rea)
My Name Is Euell: Jason attempts to right wrongs of the past with pedestrian forward play. (@ErimusPR)
Citizen Schteve: After leading the PRT (remember that?) to domestic glory, our hero goes on tour of Europe (@mikecail)
Curb Your Enthusiasm : Chuntering doom-mongers find unbridled misery in team’s unbeaten start. (@Philmoreorless)
Not Going Out: Italian keeps finding ways to stop BORO losing to our continental cousins. Pandemonium ensues. (@Disco4B)
Terry & Juno : TC and TLF in time-travelling swapping of tricky tips behind the cover of a pair of floral curtains (@DaveJohnson1969)
Absolutely Fabiolus:: Midfield face pusher Fabio Rochemback gets into a series of five yard pass related mishaps (@TobyHiggins)
Cheers: Bryan Robson becomes Boro manager (@ErimusPR)
Alf Common As Muck : Ffollow Alf as he squanders his fortune on manure (@Dendog_UK)
Men Behaving Badly: Numerous episodes all unavailable for broadcast (@Captain5MFC)
Waiting For Todd : Set 40 years in the future, Andy get’s up to all manner of scrapes in an old folks home. (@leejtees)
Two And A Half Midget Gems: Set in 1995, a steady relationship is threatened by an exotic arrival… (@mikecail)
Red Dwarf : Oh smeg! Strach attempts to return to the Prem, but instead is left adrift light years away with only Kris Boyd for company (@ErimusPR)
Bairds Of A Feather: Two sisters lead very different lives – until their their husbands are sent prison (@shaunwilson71)
Mac Adder: Ginger-haired manager’s fiendish plot to only sign players over the age of 30. And Yakubu. (@AndrewHaslam79)
The Mighty Huth: Injury prone defender runs Germanic shop with help from Bolo…. I got a bad feeling about this! (@steviebowerman)
Feel free to add your own….