Ten Snippets

THE SOARAWAY season just gone has been broken down into a century of bite size back page snippets by ace gossip condensers at the Daily Telegraph and an entertaining digest it makes too. My personal favourites were no-necked Welsh karaoke king Craig Bellamy taking a five iron to John Arne Riise in a midnight demonstration of his swing and Leeds Marching On to division three and a clash with mighty Hartlepool.
Boro get into the list twice, first at number 71 for becoming the first team to overturn a lead and beat Chelsea since the fast fading self parody Special One took over and then again at 91 as perma-crock Real Madrid reserve Jonathan Woodgate returns to English football with his local club.
Never one to see a simple format go to waste, here’s my top ten

10 Spot of bother…
Christiano Ronaldo leaps high above an incoming sliding challenge from keeper Mark Schwarzer then goes down to win a penalty against Boro in the league game at the Riverside in December to spark yet another “cheat” storm. Graceless red faced chuddie muncher Alex Ferguson was forced to admit there had been no contact after watching a replay . “He’s evading it”, he blustered. “The intent was there.”
9 Missimo blast misses target… The Gladiator stomps angrily through the exit door and blames “the ever smiling” Steve McClaren, Gareth Southgate, the coaching staff, the nutritionists, the parmos, the Gazette and anyone else but himself for his failure to set the world alight after only being given 100 games to prove his ability. Boro fans just shrug philosophically while the tabloids pick up the stick and gleefully use it to beat McClaren with.
8 Hit him Stewy… A Downing doppelganger invaded the pitch and tried to Lamp Frank as Chelsea beat Spurs in the FA Cup. Not just a bloke who looked a bit like our local left footed line-hugger but a full on spitting image.
7 Beat the clock…. Or don’t. Boro fail to sign treatment table junkie Robert Huth before the transfer deadline passes. But never mind, his paperwork was caught up in red tape with Ashley Cole’s and with Arsenal and Chelsea involved Boro are given the nod an hour later as the FA invent the concept of transfer deadline stoppage time.
6 The lion sleeps tonight… January’s big signing to beef up Boro’s flagging battle against the drop was a player recovering from a bad knee injury, who went on a major league bender after missing out on the World Cup and who is called “the lazy genius” by the tabloids. No, not Gazza. The lightweight Lion King has been brushed aside by Nobby Solano, done the season’s most pathetic dive and got into a few good positions but failed to hit the target. And he could be a first choice striker next year.
5 Can I speak to Bernie please?…
Abel Xavier rings in to The Three Legends (when there were three and when they were all still speaking to each other) to say he loves Boro and wants to see the club transformed into a mighty powerhouse, he is a passionate and dedicated professional who has paid the consequences for the mix-up with the Lemsip, he is the lowest paid player in the club. “Ah seyz that,” responds the quiff.
4 Pint of Schaudenfreude… Boro fans allow themselves a wicked smile as Steve McClaren is booed off at half-time with plucky England holding mighty Andorra to a goalless draw at the break. It is one-dimensional, passionless, negative, slow and boring. Now you know how we felt.
3 Badge of honour… Rebranded Boro declare a proud new era for the club and underline the new mentality of high-profile glossy professionalism, PR savvy and investment in excellence by launching their new badge. The design is hastily scribbled on the back of a fag-packet then unveiled to the world with a bang as the new logo is nailed on one side of a sheet of chipboard and propped on a trestle table in the centre-circle while bored staff turn it regularly so every stand gets to gaze in wonder.
2 Waltzing Viduka… welcome to the annual Boro ball in which an influential player is invited to dance around a lucrative new contract, teasing, flirting and using contradictory body language from January until July while everyone waits tensely to see who will be his partner when the music stops.
1 Now that’s ‘intent’… James Morrison gained retribution for Boro and had a national coalition of xenophobic England fans, old school supporter sof fair play and fellow victims of Ronaldo’s thespian tumbling everywhere cheering him to the echo as the red mist descended at Old Trafford and he wiped out Ronaldo with an agricultural tackle. Diveinho wants to think himself lucky it wasn’t Pogatetz who crunced him.


56 thoughts on “Ten Snippets

  1. The head coach at the famous Clairefontaine academy in France, states “The three best strikers ever to come out of here in the past 10 years have been Nicolas Anelka, Thierry Henry and Jeremie AliadiÚre.
    AliadiÚre is 24 yrs old which is why I am over the moon to see Viduka gone. His speed is incredible and thankfully he does take the ball with him at the same time.
    The Yak will be next on his bike, because it was written all over his game at the latter end of the season.
    Let’s have a Bellamy type of player up front to partner our new kid then we may take the pressure off our defense by attacking with constant speed and much needed aggression.
    Toshack has no problems with him and neither would we, because he just wants a regular shirt and a club like the Boro would suit him fine.

  2. very happy, but he left france 8 years ago! he has about 11 goals in 8 years!! Strikers are there to score goals!. Pointless having pace if you can’t find the net. is linford christie still about?

  3. Very Happy, you’re dead right, its obvious what Southgate is doing, he wants to build a young, fast skillful team, hence signing Aliadiere, who is also highly rated by Wenger.
    I can’t believe it when I read people moaning about replacing Viduka with ‘someone who can’t score’,. The fact is Southgate has to take a risk , young players are by definition ‘unproven’. I think GS has an exciting philosophy, its a risk but one worth taking.
    I also think that with the Lion King, Aliadiere and A N Other striker to comethat this will be Yaks last season at Boro, GS is going to do what AV thinks is the way forward and sell him at a profit in a years time…..watch this space.
    I was disapointed to see Viduka go, I thought he was a terrific player, but he’s history now and its time to look forward, which I do with eager anticipation.
    One final thing, relax JP Geremi ain’t coming he doesn’t fit the profile.

  4. Have a good read of Anthony Vicker’s feature dated May 15th 2007, because it leaves no stones unturned.
    Gareth is now his own man and those who have left the club are history. Yakabu will be next out regardless of whatever has been spoken or printed.
    He cannot even hold the ball up when it is passed to him, because he lacks both the pace and the conviction which comes with the shirt.
    Our defenders deserve to see the same effort in front of them, which has not been the case. Two new strikers however, will not solve our problems, because we need to find a young Ray Parlour to drive our midfield forward.
    I would get shot of Boetang come January as well, because his heart and his pace have widened to such an extent that he is no more than a stopper.
    Midfield players are no good if they do not score goals. At least the Rock will have a go even though most of his shots end up near Marks and Spencer’s.
    McClaren said he dropped Beckham to waken his game up. It was that goon who left us next to the river without a paddle. Steve Gibson is his own man and I thank the Lord we have him as our chairman.
    However, after the UEFA Cup final McClaren should have been sacked immediately, because we never lost the game, he gave it away.
    People should always air their comments and never be afraid of backlash if you want to see OUR club prosper and progress.

  5. Alf..In answer to your question about doubting the ability of Jeremie AliadiÚre let me say this.
    When we brought Woodgate to the Riverside he was almost classed as a crippled reject, by Real Madrid.
    Look what happens when the right people get a grip of your future. He would never have expected to have played for England in his wildest dreams.
    Nothing comes guaranteed in football except the result. Therefore, let Jeremie AliadiÚre have a fair crack of the whip.
    Gareth Southgate won’t get many chances to move the club on due to the transer window.
    We want new faces and a new spirit and perhaps then we might score goals from all quarters.

  6. Ive said before that Aliadiere would be a panic buy, I still think he is however I am now hoping that he does what David Bently has done. Bently was only a squad player like Aliadiere however given a regular run in his prefered position he has come good and forced his way into the international scene. Hopefully Aliadiere will do the same.
    He played a lot of games out wide for arsenal and there must be something about him as he is one of their longest serving players and wenger wont keep anyone who is rubbish for that long. Basically what I’m saying is if he does eventually sign then he has my backing as he will be a boro player.
    My only concern is that with viduka gone and Yak seemingly unsettled, our next highest scorer was arca on 3. Where are the goals going to come from?
    There is also the possibility of the Yak going to the African Nations Cup. So our main scorer at the minute, who during his Boro career gets all his goals mid season before February, could be missing!
    There is talk of this Riga bloke coming, if he can keep up his scoring record then i think this will be good for us.
    However I dont see why we are going after yet more forigners. We have a young right winger in our acadamy that apparently has all the top clubs in the uk and europe after him. Nathan Porrit could solve the probmatic right hand side yet we seem happy to let him go! yet another one through the net.

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